


Dream. Sleep. Repeat

by snowynight



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Action/Adventure, Aftermath of Torture, Angst, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mission Fic, Oblivious, Pining, Romance, Vulcan Mind Melds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-08
Updated: 2013-11-08
Packaged: 2017-12-31 21:06:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1036405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowynight/pseuds/snowynight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After being tortured and kidnapped, Kirk can't sleep and Spock helps. These quieter moments and adrenaline-filled missions add to their relationship, until an accident makes Spock reflect on his feelings toward Kirk. (Revised: 10th November, 2016)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dream. Sleep. Repeat

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my beta!
> 
> Written for Star Trek Big Bang. Link to the art and fanmix: [http://aaweth-edain.livejournal.com/25736.html ](http://aaweth-edain.livejournal.com/25736.html)

Jim smiled at Spock as he made his next chess move. ”You play an infuriating game, Mr. Spock.”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “Infuriating? Ah, one of your Earth emotions.”

After Spock settled his chess piece, Jim saved his own queen and threatened Spock's king. His smile grew brighter. “I'm sure you know nothing about it.”

Anyone else might miss the subtle change of Spock's eyebrows, but after everything they'd gone through as a command team this year, Spock’s annoyance didn’t escape Jim’s notice. “Of course,” Spock said.

Their game came to a pause when their shift was about to start. Jim stood up first, followed by Spock. They walked along the corridor, with their shoulders not quite touching. At this moment, Jim felt content with Spock by his side.

Once on the bridge, Jim sat down on his command chair. Sulu reported that it would be several minutes before the Enterprise arrived at its destination. It was a milk run planet-side mission, but it was nice in a while to step on the real ground. When Enterprise entered the orbit of the planet, Jim gave the com to his replacement. He entered the transporter room, when Spock followed him.

 _You really can't believe that I would be all right on my own_ , Jim thought fondly, _even though we are going to a safe Federation planet_. They beamed down to the surface with the security details.

“I really miss the fresh air,” Jim said to Spock. “Maybe after the mission I should arrange shore leave for the crew.”

“We had a busy month,” Spock replied. “Shore leave will be beneficial for the human crew to resume their optimum working performance.”

“What about you, Mr Spock?”

“Vulcans do not need as much rest as humans.”

“No way, you have to go with me. You deserve it.”

The port where they beamed down to was busy and filled with people's noise. A Therbian was walking side by side with an Adorian. A Bolian performer attracted a small crowd of audience before an Arcadian restaurant. Jim enjoyed the cool sea wind brushing by his face, the warm sun caressing his skin, and the smell of salt and plants. The passersby strolled at a leisurely speed.

Everything was so peaceful here, Jim thought. Not far away he saw an antique shop, and he thought of Spock's coming birthday. He told Spock to stay on the street for awhile and entered the shop alone, delighted to see several items worthy of notice. There were scrolls of books from different planets, a small statue here and there, and colourful hanging carpets. He checked out one with a complex geometric pattern. Surely Spock would like…

Then everything turned black..

When Jim opened his eyes again, he couldn't see where he was, as a piece of rough thick cloth covered his eyes. He untied the cloth, but the room was dark. It was so quiet that he could only hear his own breathing. His neck hurt and he felt dizzy. He stumbled forward and knocked into a padded wall. He felt for an exit, but all he could make out was that the room was so small that there wasn't space for him to lie down.

Kidnapped again. Spock wouldn't be happy. Might as well conserve his energy and make himself comfortable.There must be a reason his captors left him alive and as long as one was alive one still had hope, He sat down and closed his eyes.

The growling of his stomach woke him. Bones had him on a vegetable diet again, and it scarcely whetted his appetite. No one had approached him. If his captors wanted to disorient him, they were doing a good job. It was quite unlike what he had experienced before when his captors would went straight to him to loudly proclaim their demands. Jim disliked unpredictable enemies.

Jim got more and more uneasy when the time passed. He sensed that he was under watch, and couldn’t figured out where the sound came from. His skin itched as if ants had been crawling underneath it. His throat hurt and his stomach growled.

It was almost a relief when he heard a clicking sound and something dropped to his feet. He picked it up. It looked like a native apple from Athelier IV, with a metallic blue skin. He bit into it cautiously and had to admit that it was one of the blandest thing he had the pleasure to eat. But at least it was food, juicy enough to quench his thirst for a while.

After he finished eating, Jim sat down and wondered what was going on aboard Enterprise. Spock was undoubtedly leading a search for him. If he couldn't do anything to facilitate his own rescue, he had a duty to keep himself alive until help came. The captor clearly had an interest in ensuring his survival, and it could be useful.

Whether it was the next day or night, Jim wasn't sure. He was thrown into a room and strapped to some kind of chair and bonded to it. So the action had finally begun, he thought, with a strange sense of relief. He was re-blindfolded again, but he could hear footsteps.

Then he was thrust into a world of pain.

Bastinado. A type of foot torture that had been in use since Earth's ancient barbaric history, Jim thought, trying to bite back the scream when he tried to distract himself from the pain. It was a brutal and efficient method of inflicting pain while incapacitating the prisoner. He tried to pull away, but he was immobilized by the restraints. In other situations, he would be slightly amused by his ability to remember obscure facts, but now wasn't the time.

Waterboarding. Another “clean” torture method. Jim struggled against the restraints, vaguely feeling that he must have broken something. He coughed and gasped for air. He was dying. He didn't even have time to breath in relief when the water finally stopped, because it started again. And again.

It finally stopped, and Jim coughed vigorously. He knew that it wouldn't be an end, and he was resolved to receive a further variety of torture from his captors.

He was right.

When he saw what they were going to do to him, he stretched open his eyes and lashed at the restraints, but it was too late--

***

Sulu could feel Captain Kirk's absence like a stone in his heart. It was in the worried eyes and whispers of the crew. It was in the unusual curtness in Lieutenant Uhura's voice. It was in the navigator's nervous glances

It was in First Officer Spock.

No matter what people said about Vulcans being emotionless, Sulu knew that the commander felt strongly when the captain was concerned. Spock’s posture was impossibly straight, and he was sharp in his reprimand (what the captain called “Super Vulcan Mode”). Mr. Spock was scary, and Sulu had faced tyrannical gods.

Sulu would almost sympathize with the captors when Mr. Spock got to them, almost, if the bastards hadn't kidnapped the captain. The captain gave his all for the Enterprise and its crew, earning the crew’s loyalty. In return, The crew gave their all, no matter whether the captain realized their depth of devotion.

When Mr Spock beamed back to Enterprise without the captain, Sulu knew things were wrong. The captain’s weird luck placed him repeatedly at the wrong time and the wrong place. Too many super beings had an eye for their captain, who was too casual with his safety and brushed aside the crew's concerns,  always jumped and put himself in danger. He had gone beyond what was expected of a commanding officer and that was why he owned the Enterprise's heart.

Even if he loved jumping ahead without looking first.

For several days, the Enterprise frantically tried to locate the captain. The captors made no attempt to contact the ship. The local legal authorities wasn't very helpful either. Mr. Spock ordered a planet-wide search for the captain, to no avail. He spoke less and less, apart from commands concerning the captain's retrieval -- the captain would be retrieved alive and well; he would be -- and everyone could hear the steel in his voice. Enterprise wasn't leaving before she rescued her own. Sulu fully abode by the logic.

Then there was a breakthrough on the fourth day. The scanner picked up the captain's signal and it was finally possible to narrow down where their captain might be imprisoned. Mr. Spock gave the com to Lt. Commander Scott, and beamed down to the planet again. Sulu stayed at his station, itched to join the away team, but he knew his place. He would keep the ship safely in orbit until the captain's return.

***

Make whatever fun of the red shirt she's wearing, but Ensign Ruth Lee was proud to be in the security division of Enterprise.Not only because the Enterprise was the flagship of Starfleet, the best of the best, but also she felt proud being entrusted with the safety of the well-loved command team, with their knack of always being the first to beam down for any away missions. The captain left nobody behind; she would do the same for him.

According to the information from the ship's scanner and the previous search party, the captain was being held in a complex near the main city on the planet. Ruth followed the order to infiltrate the complex, staying low to avoid notice from the patrolling guards, and entered the building with Mr. Spock.

They quickly started the search and relayed the information back to the ship. As they navigated the complex, Mr. Spock was so silent and efficient to deal with the guards that even Ruth got nervous. Mr. Spock maintained his stoic facade, but everyone knew the captain was his best friend. Tracking the captain's life sign, they came to a half-open door, and saw the captain.

His face was deeply pale, his body strapped to a chair and connected to some type of machine. His chest didn't move. For a moment, Ruth thought --

Mr. Spock moved.

Ruth couldn't believe her eyes when Mr. Spock pinched one of the guards who stood between him and the captain, broke the arm of another, all while wearing a calm expression. It was so quick, so... brutal when Mr. Spock started to take down the others. Only her training prevented her from standing there like an idiot. She ran to the captain, whose chest was barely moving. She cut through the restraints, put the captain a recovery position and started CPR. When Mr. Spock had incapacitated the remaining guards, he lifted the captain like he was the most precious and fragile thing in the universe.

“Energize three, Engine room, medical emergency, have a medical team standby. ” Mr. Spock said. He stormed to the sick bay, holding the captain's body close to him, his steps large and steady. He put the Captain down gently on the stretcher and turned to the doctor. “Attend to the Captain, now.” A lesser person would collapse at his tone, but Doctor McCoy seemed undaunted.

“Of course I will,” Doctor McCoy grumbled. He used his tricorder on the captain and murmured, “No surface wounds, that's good, but there's definitely something wrong. Let me check...”

“Will the captain be alright?” Nurse Chapel asked.

Doctor McCoy replied, “Well, sure. He'd better be.”

“How serious is the captain's condition?” Mr Spock cut in.

“He's got fluid in his lungs, his feet are broken. He's clearly malnourished and dehydrated, and his brain waves...”

Mr Spock seemed to finally notice Ruth at last and dismissed her. Ruth nearly ran away in relief. In her heart, she composed and delivered a prayer for  the captain to recover.

***

“What's the captain's condition?” Spock asked. He looked at Jim who remained motionless in the sick bay. He was so still, Spock thought. Jim was a creature of energy and motion. He should never be still.

“His body's recovering from who know what conditions he suffered in the hell hole. He needs time to heal. Don't you have a job to do?” the doctor asked

“My duty, first and foremost, is to the captain and the ship.”

“You haven't slept since Jim was taken.”

“I assure you, doctor. Vulcans do not need as...”

“So it's logical for you to hover in my sick bay.”

“Vulcans do not hover. It is illogical.”

“Yeah, and pigs can fly.” the doctor said. He lowered his voice, “I know you worry about Jim's welfare. I do too. He'll be all right.”

Spock replied, “I hope for the same.”

Spock returned to the bridge for a largely peaceful shift, and wasted no time to returned to Jim's side. He  noticed the doctor's nervous face and asked about it.

The doctor said, “Jim should have woken up. And take a look at his brainwaves. The pattern is abnormal.”

“What does it mean?” Spock looked at Jim and had to hold back his hand from reaching out toward him. It was illogical to indulge in fear when the most important task was to collect relevant information, analyze the data, and decide on the proper action

“He's been in REM sleep since he got to sickbay, and his hormone balance is off,” the doctor said. “It's like he was trapped in a never-ending nightmare, and his body doesn't recover like it should. I've given him stimulants, but the fact is, I can't wake him, no matter what I try.”

“And if the situation continues...”

“There are no visible marks on him, but there're a lot of way to torture a person without leaving them. My guess is that it really took a toll on Jim, and his mind retreated to escape from the harm.”

“And he has not yet come back.”

“Correct.”

“This is not acceptable.”

“Jim's human. Human brains can sometimes react to trauma this way.”

“And there is no way to aid Jim's recovery?”

“I'm not sure....” The doctor's face brightened. “What about the secret Vulcan mind voodoo you pulled that time on that doctor?”

“It is a Vulcan technique called a mind meld.”

The doctor shrugged. “Well, it's not important what you're calling it. I read a study on telepathy being used to bring people out of comas. I don't know why I didn't think of it until now. Maybe you can pull Jim's mind back.” Then the doctor's face grew serious. “But I have to warn you, there's a risk of side effects. There's not much literature on it. One mistake, and both of you might be out cold for days.”

“I will do it,” Spock said without hesitation. He would try anything to help Jim. He gently put his fingers on the meld point on Jim's face, whispering the ritualized words, “My mind to your mind; my thoughts to your thoughts.”

Spock frowned when he first observed Jim's mind, and he could immediately see the wounds: abrupt grey and blank spots in what should be a bright, vibrant and ever-moving landscape. Spock gently passed through the alley and found himself in front of a labyrinth formed of green vines and shiny stones.

There was a barrier before him when he attempted to enter it. Jim might be a human, but he had the equivalent of Vulcan mind shields in place. Interesting. Spock did not attempt to walk further. He touched the barrier in front of him, closed his eyes, and called, “Jim,” with more softness than usual.

The barrier gently opened before him, and Spock could hear a human boy's laughter. He glanced a blond head appearing and disappearing through the labyrinth. Spock called Jim again, and a boy appeared before him.

“Who're you? I have never seen you before. Why do you know my name?” The boy looked about eight or nine, with alertness and curiosity in his soft brown eyes.

“I am your friend, Jim.” Spock replied gently.

“But I don't remember you,” the child said.

“You will, in your future.”

“You have a funny way of saying things,” Jim smiled. “All formal.”

“It is because I am Vulcan.”

“Really? I've never seen a Vulcan before. Can I touch your ears?”

Spock hesitated. Then he agreed to it. It was an innocent request, and he might be able to earn Jim's trust this way.

The sky suddenly turned coal dark. Jim's eyes widened and pulled on Spock's arms. “Run!” The sky hailed as soon as Jim spoke. Spock ran with him and tried to shelter the boy with his body. Then the surroundings abruptly changed. Jim was now taller, thinner and in rags. His eyes were frantic, like a cat backed into a corner. They were in a small forest and Spock could smell ashes and sulphur in the air. Spock wanted to say something, but Jim gestured him to stop. He leaned toward Spock and whispered, “Keep quiet. Kodos' men may hear us.”

Spock immediately knew where they were

After then they moved about in the forest. They had to push the branches before them away to make a path for themselves, and their hands bled from the sharp thorns. The creaking sounds of the branches that made were impossibly loud. Jim faltered but he kept walking until Spock had to make him take a rest.

They sat together under a tree and Jim whispered, “Do you know what it's like? We run. I need to take care of the little ones. I try to feed them, clothe them.” Spock watched the stream of images swirl around them. Stiffened faces. Hunger. Fear. Immobilized bodies. Blood. “And the wind takes them away. All of them.” This Jim was still a child, but his eyes were like that of an old wounded soldier.

Kodos died too easily, Spock thought. He said nothing but put an arm around Jim and felt Jim shaking. When he looked down, he saw tears on Jim's face.

“Don't be too nice to me. I'll break, and then I can't go on.” Jim's hands were still shaking, and then he held his fists tightly, his knuckles white.

“I will be here for you.”

“I'll always be alone, in the end.” Jim's face grew hard and he raised a hand to wipe away his tears. He stood up and said, “We need to separate. Together we make too big a target.”

“I will protect you,” Spock said. He could sense desperation in his own voice. He couldn't let Jim go.

“Thanks, but you can't. I have to do it alone.” Jim tried to smile bravely, but it only helped to make him look younger and more vulnerable. “Bye. I hope if we meet again, we'll be far away from here.” Jim turned to leave.

Spock caught his arm, and immediately a storm of emotion bombarded him. Spock felt as if he were struck by an engine. His head hurt with the intensity of the emotion, and he fell to his knees. It was too much. He could vaguely hear someone's voice calling him, but his view turned dark.

When Spock opened his eyes again, he saw the worried face of the doctor. “What happened? You collapsed,” the doctor said.

“I am fine, doctor.”

“You're definitely not fine. You need to rest.”

“How is the captain?” Spock asked, changing the topic.

“Not much change,” the doctor replied in a grave voice.

Spock felt that he failed the captain, but he knew what to do. “I will go into the captain's mind again.”

“Did you forget the part where you just collapsed?”

“I am fine,” Spock said, staring into the doctor's eyes. “However, the captain needs my help. Time is running out.”

The doctor hesitated. Spock continued his gaze. Finally the doctor said, “Do it then, you crazy Vulcan.”

Spock initiated the mind meld again even before the doctor had finished his sentence. He had to bring the captain out. To allow him to remain trapped in his past trauma was simply not acceptable.

As Spock entered Jim's mind again, he found that he was caught in a storm. Heavy rain attacked him, and the wind was so strong that it pulled trees down. He calculated that it would be 3.73 minutes before his own body temperature dropped below an acceptable limit and  submit to hypothermia if this had happened in the reality. But now his concern was to look for Jim.

The loud rainstorm bombarded his ears, but when Spock concentrated to look for any signs of Jim, he suddenly stood in front of a half-collapsed house, and heard Jim from behind the door. He forced the door open, ran into the house and saw a bleeding Jim with a stained knife in his hands. He looked feral. There was a body before him.

“Stay. Don't move,” Jim said.

“Are you alright, Jim?” Spock suppressed his unease. Whatever happened belonged to the past, and his focus was on Jim.

“I can't be held responsible for my actions if you come nearer,” Jim warned.

Spock stayed where he was. Then Jim's knife dropped to the ground, making a shockingly loud metallic sound, and Jim collapsed. Spock rushed to him and after some hesitation, held him in his arms. When Jim opened his eyes again, he said, “Strange. I feel safe with you.”

“You are safe with me,” Spock replied.

Jim glanced at the body and asked, “You saw this, right?”

Spock nodded

“He was my friend's father. I used to play at his house.”

Spock held Jim tighter and sensed his shivering.

Jim continued, “He said it was an order. He called my name. He said it was better that I died. Turn out I didn't.”

“I am glad for it,” Spock said. “Let me take care of your wounds.”

“I need my pain. It tells me that I'm alive.” Jim's voice got softer and closed his eyes. Spock checked for his heartbeat and breath. He was relieved only when Jim was merely sleeping. He tended to him and entered the house, laying Jim on the bed to let him sleep. He dissociated himself from the meld.

The doctor started speaking when Spock opened his eyes. “I don't know what you just did, but it seems to work. Jim 's body is healing and he's in a better state as far as his brain wave pattern is concerned. ”

Spock felt relieved even though his expression didn't change. “I need to return to my station on the bridge.”

“No, you take your rest in your room, mister.”

Spock ignored him and returned to his duties.

The next time Spock came to Jim's side, it was later than he wanted. He slightly frowned when he saw that Jim was sweating, his face convulsed in tension. Spock didn't hesitate when he melded them.

This time he saw a younger Jim in front of a fire, where he was tearing pages from a bound antiqued book and, to Spock's horror, putting them in his mouth. Jim 's mind seemed to be elsewhere and didn't notice Spock's arrival. Spock called his name, which seemed to startle him. “What are you doing here?” Spock asked.

“I'm sure you have eyes,” Jim snapped after a bout of heavy coughing. His voice softened. “Eating,” he continued. “Did you know this is my birthday present from my mother? I wonder what she'll say about it.”

“It is not nutritious.”

“My stomach doesn't care,” Jim said tiredly.

“You are no longer on Tarsus IV. You are safe and among friends.”

Jim didn't look convinced. “You don't seem like a very good liar.”

“Trust me, Jim. We are waiting for your return.” Spock leaned closer. “I am waiting for your return.”

Jim smiled softly. He leaned toward Spock and said, “Mind if I use you as a pillow?”

“I do not.”

Jim laughed and closed his eyes. When Spock ended the mind meld, he was glad to see that Jim's face looked serene and had more colour. He stayed for awhile, fingers lingering on Jim's face, and then walked out of the sick bay.

Spock wasn't there when the sick bay reported that Jim had woken up, as he was tending to ship business. When he arrived in the sickbay, Jim was still lying down, pale but smiling, joking with the doctor. Spock shortened the distance between them with several quick strides and said, “Welcome back, Captain.”

“It's great to see you too, Mr. Spock,” Jim said, with a warm tone that lightened Spock's mood. “How're you doing?”

Spock started to report about the current status of the ship, only to be interrupted by the doctor. “The captain is off duty for another 24 hours. No ship's business in my sickbay. Get him back to his quarters.”

“Hey, Bones. I feel fine,” Jim protested.

“No, you're not fine. Now go, and let the green-blooded hobgoblin tuck you into the bed,” the doctor said and helped Jim up. “Unless you want to stay off duty longer. ”

“You're not being fair,” Jim grumbled to Bones. He frowned when he sat up and his feet touched the ground.

Spock immediately went to his side and asked, “Are you alright, Captain?”

The doctor looked guilty. “Your feet are in bad shape, really bad, Jim. You have to use a pair of crutches while they're healing.”

Jim sighed, “All right. Bring them to me.”

When Jim was ready, Spock accompanied Jim back to his quarters. On the way, the crew members looked at Jim with concern and joy. Many of them expressed their best wishes. Once inside his quarters, Jim collapsed into his chair and said, “I'm glad to be back in my ship.'

"Do you want to talk about what had happened? According to my understanding, humans generally benefit from talking about a previous stressful experience.“

"Not much to tell. Pretty sure the kidnappers are humans. Very... shall I say creative? And they asked nothing.” Jim averted his eyes.

"It is unusual that they did not make an attempt to interrogate you. ”

"They never spoke. All those days and they said nothing. I guess they just like to hit people around a lot,” Jim said. Spock noticed Jim held his fist so tight that his knuckles went white. Spock had a flashback to the younger Jim he saw in the meld, and felt a spark of anger when he thought of Jim's suffering.

"So, should we continue our game?” Jim changed the topic abruptly. "I still haven't beaten you.”

Spock raised an eyebrow but didn't comment further. He understood that Jim needed to distract himself. He took the chess set and rearranged the pieces according to his memory. They were an hour into the game when Jim yawned. Spoke rose and excused himself, but Jim held out a hand. "Thank you for everything,” he said.

"You're welcome, Jim,” Spock replied and wished him a good night's sleep before leaving for his own quarter. He began to meditate. Too many things had happened in the last fourteen days and he needed to calm his mind.

The next morning, Spock met Jim in the canteen and they went to their table to have breakfast. Jim still looked pale when he talked with Spock about the status of the ship, Spock's newest research topic, and books while they ate. Then Jim whispered, "It's so loud here.”

"Do we need to switch to a quieter table, Captain?”

"There's no need, just.... It was almost completely silent back then...I guess I got used to it.” Jim said. ”Still, the noise is good. I know I'm really back now.”

Spock stretched out his arm and covered Jim's right hand with his. For a moment Jim looked surprised. Then he said with a warm voice, "Thank you, Mr. Spock. I appreciate it.”

Spock looked into Jim's eyes and his face softened in response to Jim's words. They stayed like that for 5.34 seconds until Jim looked away, smiling. They quietly finished their breakfast, and Spock excused himself for duty.

The next day Jim returned to his command chair, and Spock could feel that the atmosphere of the bridge got lighter, the crew's stance relaxed and they all bore a small smile while remaining their highly effective selves, if not more. Jim’s mood and status was influential to the ship’s morale, a sign of his excellent leadership.

Several days later the Enterprise received an order to deliver medical supplies to a human colony on a planet. It was an uneventful run, but Spock noticed that Jim didn't look well. His responses were slower than normal, and he rubbed his head several times. There were dark circles under Jim's eyes. He was getting a temper, too. All signs pointed to serious insomnia.

Spock decided that he had to confront the issue. After all, Jim's welfare was essential to the ship. When both Jim and he were off duty, Spock invited Jim to his quarters. After going through some department reports, Spock asked, "How are you sleeping, Jim?”

"Not very well, I'm afraid, but I can manage.”

“You should not need to,” Spock said. ”Have you gone to Dr. McCoy?”

“It's nothing. Nothing worth a trip there.”

"Jim, you need a good rest.” Spock said. He started again after pausing for a while. ”If you are unwilling to go to the doctor, I may be able to help.”

"How?”

"I could perform a light mind meld, to help you sleep.”

There was a spark in Jim's eyes. ”That-- that would be great,” he said.

Spock raised a hand to Jim's face. It was a light meld, and Spock mostly stayed on the surface of Jim's mind. He could sense the tension/curiosity/welcome there. Jim was not a telepath, but he could project his emotions clearly. Fascinating, Spock thought. He sent a wave of reassurance to release Jim from the tension and patiently soothe his nerves. Soon he could sense that Jim's mind was at peace and he let go, glad to see that Jim looked so relaxed now.

Jim smiled at him and said, ”Thanks for your wonderful fingers. I guess I can go to sleep tonight.” He yawned and stood up, waving to Spock and left.

Spock was alone in his quarters and felt content. Despite his captain being an incredibly friendly, social and charming human, Spock knew that he actually was fierce about his privacy. However, from the beginning of their friendship, Jim had trusted Spock with his life -- now his mind. Spock felt humbled by the honour of the captain's unquestioned openness with him.

Vulcans had a formidable reputation, and Spock with his unique dual human and Vulcan heritage was mistrusted by many. He had long settled with this, but then Jim was here, with his warm and trusting smile. Jim was an amazing creature.

He was also fragile.

Spock still remembered the cold and sharp fear and anger when he found Jim's limp body strapped to torture devices, unconscious. Jim was usually beaming with energy and radiating with confidence, but at that moment he had looked so vulnerable, so weak, and it was so easy for Jim to be lost from Spock forever.

As Starfleet officers, Spock had long acknowledged the risk to sacrifice their life in the line of duty. Spock did not fear death. It was illogical to be scared of the inevitable. But JIm’s possible death was unpleasant, unacceptable, and Spock would go beyond duty to prevent that.

He had told McCoy that what happened on Tarsus IV was mass murder, even before he saw what Jim had to endure when he was in his mind. He felt protective and proud of Jim, who grew up to be a good, highly competent person, despite what he had to suffer through. From now on, though, Jim should never suffer alone.

Because Spock was here.

***

Jim couldn't sleep.

He didn't know why. It wasn't like he was new to this hostage and torture business. It said something about what he had come through this year that he now had a protocol for it, namely forgetting everything and starting a fresh new day. It wasn't the toughest he had endured either, but every night when he dropped to his bed, with his subconscious conjuring some really sick stuff his mind.

For many days sleep evaded him, except for the night with Spock's help. Jim had finally turned to McCoy and discreetly asked for medications, but things didn't improve. If this continued, Jim would soon be so exhausted that he would be deemed unfit for command. No way he would allow that to happen. He wouldn't allow a bunch of thugs to ruin his life.

He thought that shore leave might help. The universe knew he loved his ship, but sometimes he only wanted to be on a quiet beach, without the burden of command, without the responsibility of life and death, and this planet seemed suitable for that. It was famous for its beautiful beaches and vibrant night clubs. Spock, as usual, declined his invitation and stayed on the ship, as the epitome of a perfect first officer but Jim was disappointed.

He beamed down to the planet with Bones and Scotty, and he enjoyed several hours of time there. However, even among the crowd, he found that he instinctively looked for the presence of the steady Vulcan, and he felt lonely when he was reminded of Spock's absence again and again. When he screamed himself awake from another nightmare that night, Jim quietly packed up his things and decided to cut his losses. He would return to the ship early the next day. Might as well do some work.

When Jim was back on board the Enterprise, he walked to the science station and wasn't surprised that Spock was there, conducting several research tasks at the same time with graceful ease. He watched for a while, soaking in the sense of serenity projected by his first officer in his favourite field of work. Spock turned in his direction and asked with a slight hint of surprise, ”Captain?”

“Still working?” Jim asked. When Spock paused in his task, Jim said, ”Sorry, I didn't mean to distract you.”

”You did not,” Spock assured him.

”What're you working on?”

Spock launched into an explanation about his current research, with hardly any expression, but Jim could sense his excitement. The mathematics and science involved all sounded challenging, but after some time Jim caught up with Spock, and enjoyed the elegant line of logic, Spock's precise and concise words, and his passion. He looked at Spock fondly, once again being touched by Spock in his element. Jim was grateful to have him by his side.

After Spock's duties were complete, they walked together. Spock's presence was enough to calm him down. The ship was on a skeleton crew, and when they sat down to have meal together, they were practically alone. They talked about Spock's newest paper undergoing peer review for an intergalactic journal, the special metal alloy they discovered on that planet, and Jim's walk on the beach during shore leave. Then Spock raised his head and asked, ”How was your night, Jim?”

Spock, always so perceptive, Jim thought. A lie was about to roll off his tongue, but under Spock's concerned glance he found that only the truth would come out. ”It was fine, until I couldn't sleep again. Nightmare.” Jim smiled bitterly. ”You'd think that I'm an old hand in the hostage and torture business, but no.”

“There is no need to be ashamed. You have suffered greatly, and this kind of memory tends to disrupt a person's sleep cycle. Have you gone to Dr. McCoy?”

“It's getting ridiculous. I've tried the potent stuff, and it just doesn't work much.” Jim rubbed his head in vain to ward off the impending headache. ”I guess I'll just have to deal with it.”

“You do not need to suffer alone. If you do not mind my offer to help...”

“Sure, if it won't trouble you too much.”

“Of course not. I am glad that I can lessen your burden.” Spock's eyes were sincere. Jim knew that underneath Spock's cold and efficient Vulcan exterior, there was an all too human compassionate soul. This knowledge warmed Jim's heart.

They went to Jim's quarters, with Jim lying on his bed. Spock put his long fingers on Jim's face. Soon, Jim could feel Spock's presence in his mind. He felt a sense of peace and safety. Spock's mental fingers kneaded the tense knots that Jim wasn't even aware of, and soon Jim felt boneless and drifted off

He slept.

When Jim opened his eyes again, he checked the computer. Several hours had passed. He'd had a dreamless sleep and felt totally energized. Jim couldn't help but smiled. He took a shower and then got himself ready.

Jim spent time catching up on his work, which had accumulated when he was too tired to deal with it. He spent the remaining time with Spock when he was free from duty. They talked, joked, played a game of chess. Sometimes they did nothing other than to share a companionable silence. Jim thought that it was the best shore leave he'd had in awhile.

When shore leave ended, the crew returned to Enterprise It was once again the lively and hustling ship that Jim knew so well. Bones asked about his early departure, but Jim distracted him by asking about his conquests. He didn't want to worry his friend too much. Bones wasn't persuaded so easily, but he respected Jim's silence about it at the end.

The Enterprise was ordered to carry out a diplomatic mission. The planet Macrovoria in question was located in a strategic position, and the Federation wanted to secure an alliance with it. Jim beamed down with Spock among the away team and was received by the planet representatives. The Macrovorian who greeted them was stout, and her skin colour was ever changing, a mix of light purple and emerald green, which according to the briefing was a good sign, as their skin colours changed according to their emotion.

Jim put on his iconic smile reserved for diplomatic missions, “Thank you for hospitality, Councillor. ”

“It's our pleasure and honour to receive you, and we look forward to knowing more about the Federations.” The councillor turned to Spock. “I’m really glad how delighted you're to visit our planet.”

Jim realized that they mistook Spock's natural skin colour as a sign of emotion like them, and swallowed a smile when Spock calmly explained that.

“There's a saying in our culture: Life is only worth living in up and down, ” the councillor said when she invited them to a show. “And our art reflects that. ” The performers swung with ropes in midair, jumped over obstacles, and fought with long thin swords tied with ribbons. Their skin colours changed a lot during the performance, from shades of red to purple and green, and it was very pleasing.

“I can see why you're proud of this. It's magnificent, ” Jim said. The councillor’s green shade deepened.

After a hearty dinner, they were led to the quarters. Jim entered his, prepared for a good night's sleep.

When Jim woke up in sweat later from some night terror he couldn't recall. He tried to sleep again, but gave up after several failed attempts. He put on a shirt and was about to leave his quarters for a walk to refresh his mind, when there was a knock on the door.

”Come in,” Jim said, curious who the late night visitor was.

The door opened, and Jim’s eyes widened when it was Spock. Jim asked, ”What's the matter? Did something happen?”

“No, I am only...restless.”

“That doesn't sound like you, Mr. Spock,” Jim teased, his eyes softening to show that the words were in good humour.

”I should leave, perhaps. I hope I did not disturb your sleep.”

“No, of course not.” Jim said. He hesitated for a while before speaking again. ”Surely you can stay and keep me company? I don't feel like sleeping now.”

Spock looked worried, so Jim quickly reassured him. ”I guess I'm just on the high of the mission. Nothing serious. Please stay. You know I always enjoy your company.”

“I will be delighted.”

“Will it interrupt your sleep?”

“Vulcans need less sleep than humans.”

They talked about nothing significant. Jim let himself drown in Spock's steady voice and soon closed his eyes. When Jim opened them again, he found that he was in Spock's arms.

”What happened?” Jim muttered.

”You screamed. I believe you had a nightmare, Jim.”

Jim felt his face burn. ”I'm sorry, my friend.”

“Your apology is illogical, especially for something you cannot control.”

Jim had to smile. It was such a Spock thing to say.

”I understand that your sleep quality has not improved much after the night I assisted you.”

“It hasn't, but I'll be all right,” Jim insisted.

”Jim.”

How Spock could convey light reproach and concern in only a word was beyond Jim's comprehension. ”I guess I'm just getting soft.”

“May I help?”

“I already depend on you too much. ”

“You can always rely on me. It is my duty as your first officer...” Spock looked firmly into Jim's eyes. ”...and your friend.”

Jim went to sleep again, feeling safe from Spock’s words.

The next day, Jim woke up with a refreshed mind, ready for the coming negotiation. The Macrovorians were friendly and generous hosts, but they were also formidable opponents at the negotiation table. They talked casually and joked a lot, but they were attentive to detail. Still they made progress in the negotiations.

“You can't miss this, ” the councillor said that night during a sword fighting event she invited them to, after she had cheered at one clever move. The participants used a kind of curved sword, and were so elegant that they might as well be dancing.

“Do you want to have a try? Don't worry. We have training equipment and it’ll be safe. ” she asked at the end, with her skin turning an enthusiastic blue.

“Captain, ” Spock started.

Jim checked over the equipment and answered, “I’d like to. ” It should be safe enough, and impolite to refuse.

She was a skillful fencer and if not for Jim’s fencing practice with Sulu, he would lose immediately. The councillor beamed after the fight, and an agreement was reached to the satisfaction of both sides the next day. It was a successful mission. Jim beamed back with his team to his ship with a light heart.

Jim went to Bones' office to chat with Bones, who asked with concern, ”Do you sleep better now?”

“Not very well, but I'm sure it'll pass.”

“You shouldn't underestimate the side effects of sleep deprivation. Medication is inadequate for you. You may need counselling.”

“Perhaps,” Jim said, knowing that he would ignore this piece of advice. He didn't like therapists. They made him nervous. Jim changed the topic and talked about other things before he left.

The Enterprise continued to map out the unchartered area of space and investigate scientific phenomena. Jim loved the excitement of exploring the unknown. That was one of the main reasons he signed up for Starfleet. When they arrived at an M-class planet hospitable to humans Jim beamed down with the science team for exploration.

He watched them with amusement when the team was collecting plant samples and checked over the surroundings with their tricorders. The air  was thinner than that on Earth, and the terrain was similar to the Earth’s savanna grassland. One of the common animals they came across looked like a rat with two purple leaves extended from its back. Another used its long teeth to dig the ground. The flying creatures were colourful, and one looked like a lizard with petals grown from their bodies. Another looked like like a winged dog.

Jim approached Spock who was busy taking reading, his excitement visible to only Jim. “The universe is exciting, right? ” Jim said.

“Indeed. The symbiosis of plants and animals here reminds me of… ”

Jim listened with a smile, and asked at the end, “A meal and chess tonight so you can tell me how exciting everything is? ”

“Affirmative. ” Spock’s corner of mouth was slightly raised.

Jim laughed. He loved this guy.

Spock went first in their chess game. His strategy was efficient and elegant, and Jim had to think hard how to counter him. This was why he loved playing with Spock, always a challenge and an incentive for him to improve. The game ended in a draw.

”I'm glad that the ship runs smoothly. There's something good to be said of milk run missions,” Jim said.

”I agree that the quietness of the days has been conducive to the ship's productivity.”

“The crew deserves it after the rough year we've had. Everyone needs a break.”

“My instructor at Starfleet Academy often said one soon hopes for boredom after their assignment on a ship. I did not pay much attention to her then, but I suppose she was correct.”

“She's a very wise woman.”

“And quite a good instructor. Firm but fair.”

They started to talk about their academy days,  their roommates, their achievement, and the best and worst instructors. Spock was a brilliant and diligent student, as Jim knew he would be. He wished he could have befriended Spock at that age, and studied together. It would be less lonely for him back then. Then he recalled Gary, and felt his chest restricted. He shrugged the thought away. It was better to focus on the present, like his best friend before him.

When he first met Spock, Jim saw him as a challenge. He was determined to get beyond the inscrutable surface, to know more about the enigma called Spock. Very soon he discovered that Spock was a treasure, one of the best people he was fortunate to befriend. They built an easy rapport, and Spock had been there for him ever since.

Jim found that he was often tempted to lean on him, to anchor himself to Spock, because he felt that he could do anything with Spock by his side. Jim couldn't imagine going on without him. In the past, there had been times he'd had to sacrifice Spock for the greater good, but every time he felt that a part of his heart was ripped out.

”Jim?” Spock's voice woke Jim from his thoughts.

”Just thinking how lucky I am to have you as my friend.”

“I share a similar sentiment,” Spock said with his eyes soft.

For a moment Jim wanted to press forward to hold Spock in his arms, but he resisted the impulse and only clasped Spock's right hand. ”You make me a very happy man.”

“I am glad.”

When Spock left, Jim could still feel the smile on his own face.

It came as a nasty surprise when a nightmare attacked Jim that night. Jim sighed, took a shower and dealt with his paperwork. It would be a long night.

The next day the Enterprise went to a newly discovered warp-capable planet. There were a lot of plants in the city, and the design of house merged well with the surrounding, and everyone of them has a sun-powered cell roof. A lot of children were playing, some of them had a dark ponytail, some with two buns on their head. Jim walked by a park, which reminded him of a traditional garden, with the arrangement of stones and water.

“Call us Ku-ran,” their host said, “We are the offspring of the children of this land and the children from the East, and we’re proud of our heritages. ”

Jim threw a glance at Spock, who was inscrutable.

Their city was seaside, so fishing played the part of agriculture in their civilization in some Earth cities. Jim listened to how they developed their technology and was amazed by the possibilities in the universe.

When the night fell, the host arranged for Jim to share a room with Spock.  Jim was worried more about Spock's response, but Spock voiced no opposition. Jim hoped he would not have a nightmare tonight and wake Spock.

Jim woke up, gasping the night air, and felt wetness on his skin. He felt guilty when he saw Spock fully awake by his side of the bed. ”Go back to sleep,” Jim murmured.

Spock asked, ”Are you alright?”

“Yes,” Jim said. ”Just...I'll go back to sleep soon.” He closed his eyes and willed himself to sleep. He drifted away, and then --- Jim felt embarrassed when he woke up panting again. He couldn't see Spock's face clearly, but he knew that he would see worry in his eyes.

”I guess I'm not quite alright tonight,” Jim admitted.

”Was it a singular occurrence or...”

“I thought it got better, but I was wrong. I'm sorry for waking you up.”

“Vulcans, as I mentioned, do not need much sleep,” Spock said. ”I notice that humans tend to gain emotional relief from talking about a traumatic experience. Perhaps you can tell me about your dream.”

“There's nothing concrete. I forget them when I wake up.”

“From our previous experience, a light mind meld seems to be able to put you back to sleep.”

“I'll gladly take it.”

The last conscious thought Jim had after the meld was of someone tucking him into bed.

Spock was increasingly worried about Jim. He calculated that he had devoted 13.73% more of his attention to the captain on and off the bridge since Jim’s nightmare. Jim still fulfilled his duty competently, but the greyness stayed under his eyes. His posture was tense, and he sometimes rubbed a hand over his face, a sign of a headache in humans. He grew paler, and his shoulders slumped. His responses became more sluggish, though it was only noticeable to a keen observer familiar with the captain. The evidence pointed strongly to the fact that the captain's insomnia had not improved.

It was unacceptable to allow it to continue, Spock told himself, because the captain's health was vital to the ship. Spock was aware of another, more personal reason for his concern, but there was no need to explore it now.

Doctor McCoy confirmed Jim's statement that medications were so far ineffective, and that Jim was reluctant to ask for help from the therapists. After putting the matter to much thought, Spock decided to confront the problem by inviting Jim to his quarters so they would have privacy during their conversation.

Jim came to his quarters on time, and they went over some documents and reports while Spock went over his strategy again . He said, ”I think there is a human expression that a pain shared is a pain halved. I hope you find me suitable to share the burden.”

Jim seemed to be surprised. After awhile he replied with a tired smile, ”Always so direct, Mr. Spock.”

“Jim,” Spock looked directly into his brown eyes.

”All right. To be honest, there's just nothing to talk about.” There was a self-deprecating smile on Jim's face. ”There weren't even marks, if you discount the crutches I had to use for awhile.”

“It does not matter whether your body bore physical evidence of your suffering. You should not have gone through that, and you are not a lesser man for still feeling that pain.”

“Thanks, and I mean it.” Jim said. ”I just don't want to remember it. It has served me well to simply forget everything bad, but this time...” The sad smile was there again. ”I guess I'm getting softer.”

“The events you have gone through this year have been exhausting, both professionally and personally. That stress can accumulate to such a level that it causes an observable effect on your psychology and physiology.”

“Maybe you're right. I lost Sam. I nearly lost Peter... and you.”

“You did not lose me.” Spock was surprised and illogically touched by the intensity of pain in Jim's voice. He would later meditate on his emotional response to those words.

”Not because of anything I did. I was ordered to leave you. You would have died without your quick thinking.”

“It is illogical to dwell on the past.”

“You have to forgive me then, my friend,” Jim said, ”I'm not good at spilling the beans, but I promise that you'll be the person I turn to when I'm ready.”

“What does an Earth legume have to do with this?” Spock knew this Earth idiom, but he said it to amuse Jim.

The ploy worked. “It's just a human expression.” Jim's smile was more relaxed, and the lines on his forehead lessened.

Spock accompanied Jim back to his quarters and was about to leave when Jim said, ”Perhaps we can do the mind meld again, if it's not too much trouble for you.”

“Of course.”

Spock waited for Jim to settle down to start the meld. He gently drove away the tension in Jim's mind, and pushed Jim toward sleep. He could feel the moment Jim floated into the deep sea of unconsciousness and lingered for awhile. He told himself that it was out of caution, but Jim's welcoming mind was so tempting for him to stay. Finally he withdrew from Jim, returned to his own quarters, lit a stick of incense, and began his meditation.

The next day Spock noticed that Jim looked better. He moved with more energy. Spock returned to his station to monitor the ship, supervising the science department and continued his research, but still watching the captain, because it was important to be constantly vigilant about the captain's welfare.

He made a note on a subordinate's report as a reminder to check up on the accuracy of his data, continued to fulfill his duties at his station, and calculated the estimated time for Enterprise to reach another planet in his mind.

This time the planetside mission didn't go so smoothly, as  they beamed down in the middle of a battle, and Jim was shot with one of the native’s projectile weapon.

“Run! Set the phaser on stun and fire! ” Jim made the order and led his team across the battle zone despite his bleeding arm.

“Scotty! Five to beam up! Energize! ”

There were no casualties, but one of the projectiles scraped past Spock's right arm. When the medics escorted to the sick bay to have his arm bandaged, Jim gleefully dragged Spock with him, despite Spock telling him that his injury was insignificant and would heal on its own.

“It is a waste of resources… ”

“Sorry, I can't hear you, ” Jim grinned.

“Why do I get struck with you idiots? ” the doctor scolded when he checked over Jim. Spock turned a deaf ear to the doctor, but watched Jim's expression and the machine reading to gauge his status. “Reckless, stupid,... ” the doctor continued.

That night when Spock was meditating in his quarters, he heard Jim screaming  his name. Spock stood up, tying up his robe and entered Jim's quarter through the common bathroom door. Jim was half sitting on his bed, his face pale and sweaty, which reminded Spock of a small wounded animal. Spock came to Jim slowly and spoke in a gentle voice, ”Are you all right, Jim?”

Only after 3.23 minutes Jim was able to answer him, ”Not very.”

Spock keyed in the replicator to produce a cup of light tea and then handed it over to Jim, who received it with shaking hands and gulped it.

”Your nightmares worsened,” Spock said. It was not a question.

”Yes.” Jim did not look at him.

”As a light mind meld didn’t seem to be adequate any more, I will initiate a deeper meld to help relieve your nightmare, if you allow me.”

Spock patiently waited for his answer until Jim said with a raised chin, ”Do it. I trust my mind in your hands.”

Spock was touched that Jim trusted him so much and felt a wave of affection for him. He guided Jim and arranged them in a more comfortable position. Then he pressed his fingers to Jim's meld points and whispered, ”My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts...”

Spock returned to Jim's mind again. At first sight, Jim's mind was in a better shape, his mind’s labyrinth covered with more green vines with new fresh leaves,  some of them with white little flowers blossoming , but the walls seemed well weathered with cracks. Jim's mind sent him a message, ”It's strange to feel you so deeply here. Nothing like before.”

For a human untrained in his telepathic skills, Jim's mental voice was concise and concrete, just like his daily voice. Spock asked, ”Do you feel comfortable?”

Immediately Spock sensed a wave of reassurance emitted from Jim's mind, with a mental chuckle accompanying Jim's words. ”Yes. I really mean it when I say I trust you with my whole mind. It's a nice to feel you here, just different. Now get on with what you came here to do, Mr Spock.”

Spock sent his affirmation, and then softly coaxed Jim's mind to recall the last nightmare. Immediately there was an abrupt change in the scenery, and Spock found that he was now in a dimly lit starship. Everything was eerily quiet. Not even the usual machine sounds were heard. Spock proceeded along the corridor to look for Jim. He saw some red words on the wall, and when he came nearer, he smelled a coppery taste and found that the word blasphemy was written in dripping blood.

Spock continued to look for Jim. He opened the nearest door and saw something inside. When he came nearer he saw that it was a human body drained of blood, the lifeless eyes staring at him, with another stashed nearby, their faces frozen in a scream. If Spock were fully human, he would say that it was unsettling. Spock closed the door and moved on. Now he saw more bodies contorted in different shapes, their eyes bulged, their expressions fixed in horror. He hastened his pace to locate Jim.

”Jim?” Spock called. His voice echoed in the narrow empty space. Suddenly a hand came out from nowhere covering his mouth, and another pulled him to a corner. He caught an arm, pulled the attacked over his shoulder and saw that it was Jim, younger than he was now, in a Starfleet uniform but without the command stripes. He helped Jim up, who groaned and said, ”Quiet. The thing may hear us.”

“What thing?”

“The monster. It's hunting us. I thought I was the last one, but here you are. Go.”

“I will stay with you and assist you.”

“We have to get away as soon as possible.”

Spock nodded. Then suddenly a presence passing by. Jim grabbed his own neck, his eyes large and there was naked fear in them. He collapsed to the ground and convulsed. His face was quickly losing colour. Spock knelt down to check over Jim, but when he touched him, everything changed.

Jim was hooked to a wall with only nails supporting his weight, and his face was full of agony. A lot of different voices shouted from different directions.

”You fail me,” a female voice said.

”Murderer!” a low voice shouted.

”You're a coward,” another voice accused.

The echo of voices became deafening. Jim struggled, blood dripping from his hands, and his breath got fainter. Spock rushed to free Jim from the hooks and let him lean in his arms and patted his back

“Forget, ” Spock whispered, concentrated and transported them to a soft grassland under a sunny sky. He continued to send gentle reassurance and calm to Jim.  Jim opened his eyes and smiled weakly. ”It's a bit embarrassing. ”

Spock didn't say anything but continued to rock him like his mother did when he was a young child woken from a distressing dream. Contrary to popular belief, Vulcans did dream, and at the time he hadn't yet mastered the control of his mind.

”I'm better now. You can put me down,” Jim said later, with colour returned to his face and his bleeding stopped. Only then Spock gently laid Jim on the grass.

”Thank you for not asking. I don't want to talk about it, not yet. Maybe one day. Not that I distrust you...”

“I can understand it,” Spock said. ”Sleep well.”

When Spock discontinued the meld, Jim slept peacefully. He retreated from Jim's quarters  to his own quietly.

The next day, Jim felt his face heat up when he remembered Spock seeing one of the darkest nightmares in his pAston, one that he had never told anyone, not even Bones. It wasn't proper for a commanding officer to be scared and out of control, and he worried about losing Spock's respect. However, when he sat down with Spock for breakfast, the weight in his throat was dislodged when the friendly atmosphere didn't change between them. Spock behaves as usual, with no shown pity for Jim, which was what Jim needed.

Jim started his shift to prepare his crew and the ship for their next mission, and sat in satisfaction as his competent crew carried out their order perfectly. He stood behind his first officer, putting a hand on the bar behind him to watch him working and ask questions, as always comforted by Spock's steadiness Then Uhura reported that she had picked up a distress signal from a nearby space station.

Jim returned to his chair and diverted the course of the ship. He asked Uhura to continue to try and communicate with the station for further information. Hopefully it would get resolved soon.

When the Enterprise arrived at the station, Jim beamed down with the security team and saw the pale and bandaged acting commander of the station.

“We need help. Someone is murdering us, ” he said.

“Tell us about the situation, ” Jim replied. The station had survived an attack by Klingons, but now the survivors faced a greater horror which threatened all of them. A killer preyed on them, one by one, and the bodies were gruesome. When checking the security tapes, there was nothing out of the ordinary, as if the killer were invisible. They begged the Enterprise to help find and capture the killer.

Jim coordinated the investigation with the station's acting commander,help but they didn't made much progress at first He had to help maintain the morale and order of the personnel on the station, and try to stop the killer before another victim appeared.

Another night on the station, Jim woke up from his uneasy sleep and heard a rustling sound. He grabbed his phaser, checked that it was set on stun and waited.

The door was opened and it was the acting commander, but Jim almost couldn't recognize him. His hair was messy, his eyes feral and he was about to stake Jim in his heart.

Jim rolled away and shot, but the commander got away and pounced on him. They wrestled, with Jim trying to aim another shot.

Jim heard the door open, but he was too focused to respond. Then another phraser shot and the commander went still.

Spock pulled the stunted commander from Jim, called for the security and asked, “Are you alright? ”

“I am fine. Put him into custody. I think we get our killer. ”

During the interrogation, it was revealed that the commander had cracked after the Klingon attack, and believed that he must kill the others to ensure his survival, using his position to wipe the evidence. The Enterprise's crew alerted him, so he aimed at Jim to cover for himself. When he escaped from his cell by attacking a guard, he was shot dead by a station crew in the pursuit.

The station held a small ceremony in memory of the dead and the lost, and invited Jim. Jim beamed back to the Enterprise with a load in his stomach. His emotional state must have been noticeable, because that night Spock went to his quarters silently lending his support in his way. They played a game of chess. Jim was so preoccupied with the past few days' events that he lost badly to Spock.

Jim looked at his quiet friend who patiently waited for him to talk. It was a comfortable silence. Jim knew that Spock would respect him if he chose not to speak at all. It made Jim relax enough to tell him everything and added, ”I keep thinking about the acting commander.”

“He committed a series of crime. I am glad that you are safe from his hands.” Jim detected a sense of relief in Spock's voice.

”I can take care of myself,” Jim insisted.

”Jim, your definition of threat is different from the common usage or the standard definition. I ask that you write up your definition, illustrate with examples and send it to dictionary writers for reference”

“I'm not that bad,” Jim said with a smile. It was an old argument that neither side wanted to concede. ”I keep thinking about the last few days, about why I didn't see the signs. I mean, I worked with him, and I should have known. In retrospect, it's all too obvious.”

“He was cunning, and he fooled the others who worked with him longer than a few days.”

“Perhaps, but...” Jim collected his thought and gathered his courage to speak after several moments. ”It's scary to see a person who's broken like that. Everyone down there was shocked and angry. I keep thinking people can be so fragile.”

“You are stronger than him, as you can confront your fear.”

“Maybe, maybe not. I still can't sleep well after the incident. Ridiculous.”

“You should not blame yourself for that. Human minds are complex.”

“Bones told me that too,” Jim said.

”I agree with the doctor in this aspect. Please do not pressure yourself so much.”

“You agree with Bones on something. Tomorrow, there'll be red rain.”

Spock raised an eyebrow in inquiry and Jim smiled. ”It only means that it's a highly unlikely event.”

Their conversation continued, about the differences in Vulcan and Earth literature they enjoyed. Jim was intrigued to hear about the pre-Surak reform Vulcan poetry tradition, and Spock promised to bring some collected volumes of poetry to him one day.

Jim grew tired. It had been a long day, but he didn't want to go to bed yet, knowing that he would be haunted by nightmares which had become a fixture in his life. He hesitated.

Spock must have read it on his face, because he made a graceful gesture and said, ”I may be of help, if you do not mind.”

“Thanks. You have been too kind to me,” Jim said.

Jim went to the bed and let himself submit to the magic Spock wove, to the land of quiet dreams. His last conscious thought was that he was eager for these melds. It was a scary yet soothing thought, to rely on someone so much, to be able to depend on someone so much.

Despite his initial reluctance, Jim found that he looked forward to mind melds with Spock at the end of the day. He guiltily restrained himself from making too many demands and pressing Spock for his help in aiding him to sleep. Spock was always willing and generous, as per his gentle nature, but Jim didn't want to behave as a spoiled child hungry for Spock's care and attention.

They met more and more, enjoying long conversations, pondering the cultural difference of their heritages, their adventures in Starfleet academy days, and insights into the past year's mission. Jim thought that Spock was like a diamond with many fascinating facets, and he decided he would never get bored with Spock, who was a surprise that kept on giving. He never expected that he would find so much joy in getting to know Spock, to discover the all so precious human soul that came with a sharp Vulcan mind. He would forever be grateful for the Starfleet to bring them together. With this thought he walked in to take a morning shower, changed his clothes and went to his command chair.

It was an ordinary day. Everything was peaceful. No super beings appeared to be eager to use the Enterprise and its crew as their playthings. No rogue planets appeared unexpectedly on their course. No enemy attacks. No distress signals. When Jim was off duty, he went to the canteen, with Spock one step behind him. They took their trays and sat at their usual table.

Nothing was out of the ordinary. When their shifts synchronized and they went off duty together, they often did this. Therefore Jim was mystified why he was suddenly struck with a strong overwhelming affection toward Spock when he looked up at him from his tray.

Jim had always been attracted to men more, although he like the creatures called women. He was not blind to Spock's attractiveness. Spock had as many adoring fans on the ship, if not more than he -- despite, or perhaps because of, Spock's aloof attitude. However, he had always been content with the strong friendship between them, but now things had changed.

It was scary.

Jim had been in love before he was given the Enterprise, had broken some hearts and had his heart broken several times. He knew that it wasn't just a harmless crush. It threatened to turn his life upside down. This new discovery deserved a red alert in his heart, he thought. However, it really wasn't the right time and place to panic, so he suppressed his anxiety with all his training and self control and continued his conversation with Spock.

At the end of the day, he quietly pondered this new self-knowledge in his quarters. Now that he acknowledged his feelings, he could see that Spock had long been the most important person to him. His relationship with Spock was the primary one in his life. Bones was a good friend, but he still could recall the barely restrained white hot anger when he heard that it wasn't necessary that Spock had been blinded. He loved the ship and his duty, but it was also a restraint to him. A ship couldn't love him back.

Could Spock, though?

Jim tried to apply logic to analyze the situation with the currently known data about himself and his first officer, and his answer was not very likely. Spock was hard to read, and if he still felt ashamed about their friendship as he had once told Jim, the universe knew how horrified Spock would be about any suppressed romantic his commanding officer harboured about him. Jim had a healthy ego and he could accept that Spock was unlikely to respond.

The feeling of a broken heart would surely pass soon enough. If it were another person, he would make a move, but Spock knew what a mess he was and there was no way he would inflict himself on Spock and add more burden to him. He would let the feeling go, and enjoy what the best the life threw at him. This was the logical course to take.

Despite the popular romantic notion floating around in the media of him as a rebel without a cause (as if Starfleet would trust its flagship with one who flipped off the rules and the Prime Directive), Jim was actually confident about his self control and iron-like will. He was also capable of following cold logic and abiding by his sense of duty, which had earned him the command of the best ship in the galaxy.

However, he guessed that tonight, he wouldn't go to Spock as his new found feeling was too raw, too exposed. He wasn't certain that he could guard his mind well enough from Spock's gentle mental poking, which would be humiliating for both of them. No, better let nightmares and a sense of loneliness be his company tonight, so he had time to hide his tender feelings deep inside.

Spock felt a sense of loss when he found that the captain excused himself that night, claiming that he would be fine without Spock's help. Logically, Spock knew that he should be relieved that the captain could manage well on his own and be on his way to a full recovery. However, there was an illogical part that craved the intimacy that they shared recently.

He was getting dangerously close to look forward to their long conversations and sharing their minds, to have a sense of the concrete proof of the captain's full trust and concern through Spock's stay in his mind. Nevertheless, it was illogical to wish for the impossible. His slipping into emotion just now only strengthened his belief that he needed meditation to perfect his controls tonight.

Spock had joined Starfleet instead of the Vulcan Science Academy because Starfleet provided a greater chance of exploration of the unknown in the vastness of space. He had always enjoyed his scientific work. After checking the his previous paper was approved by the journal, he started to work on his next experiment: using optical tweezer to manipulate the molecules so as to produce a new material make up for concrete use. He also talked with his subordinates and checked up on the progress on their research. It was always enlightening to discuss with fellow scientists.

He went to the rec room to see Lieutenant Uhura, who previously suggested practicing for a musical duet. They talked about the arrangement, the musical choice and other matters. Lieutenant Uhura was highly intelligent and talented, and he enjoyed his conversation with her. He noticed that Jim was talking with McCoy, and he seemed to smile a lot. Obviously Jim was in a good mood.

Then he returned to his station on the bridge and started his shift. He checked over data and performed his tasks at his usual efficiency, until there was a discovery of a rogue planet near the ship's course. Spock was reminded of the previous incident with the irrational Trelane, and he had to admit that he would rather avoid this new development. When he looked at the captain, he could see the same tension on his face when the captain ordered a full scan on the planet.

After determining that it was hospitable enough for a ground mission, he decided to beam down and check over the planet. Naturally, Spock asked for permission to go with him, but the captain declined, saying that he would feel better with the ship in Spock's hands, and left for the transporter room with the away team.

When the captain missed the hourly check in, Spock became concerned and tried to contact him through the com. After repeated failure to locate the captain, Spock beamed down with a security team, giving the com to Scotty. They arrived in a tropical jungle, and Spock started the search for the captain. They arrived at a village built in the trees. The people were mostly naked, only wearing small pieces of porcelain to cover their private parts,  and looked intrigued and frightened by the new arrivals.

Spock talked with one of the villagers and learned that the captain was seen being captured and dragged deeper into the jungle. The villager warned about the danger of going inside and advised them against a further search. Spock thanked her and continued into the jungle, determined to get the captain back.

The jungle was dark, which made the ground surprisingly easy to walk on because there was not enough light for the undergrowth. It was humid and hot, an unpleasant combination for Spock, used to the dry Vulcan climate. On their way, they were attacked by insects and other nuisance. Spock ignored the discomfort and marched forward. Soon they arrived at another village.

Suddenly they were attacked by Terran arrows and bullets. Spock shouted at his team to take cover. He ran in the direction of the attack and captured one of the attackers for interrogation. The frightened person confirmed that the captain was in the village. Spock made a plan of search and rescue and infiltrated the village at night, finding that the captain was held at gunpoint,  drinking from a cup in a luxurious hall with a stranger. The captain seemed to be full of confidence and undaunted by the immediate danger to his life as usual. However, Spock dared not risk his captain's life.

Spock ordered to start a fire as a distraction. He took advantage of the induced panic to stun the one aiming at his captain. When he had the kidnappers subdued, he scanned the captain for any signs of injury, relieved that he was physically unharmed.

The captain smiled at him, "Well done, Mr. Spock." He surveyed his crewmen and the hall, pointed at the now stunned man, and ordered, "Take the former Lieutenant Richard Frankenstein into custody, for the crime of violating the Prime Directive, and the illegal alteration of Starfleet data ."

During the debriefing, the doctor asked, "What's the deal with that Frankenstein guy?"

The captain said, "The fleet will have a further investigation, but apparently Lt. Richard Frankenstein found this planet a chance to act out his tyranny fantasy. He altered the data in Starfleet database, obfuscating this planet's co-ordinate, and took control of those people there." He paused, "With the superior technology, those people never had a chance. He successfully built a reign of terror there, and those who dared to object died...horribly."

"I guess the name is good enough a giveaway that this guy is trouble."

Spock knew this was a reference to an once popular classical novel on Earth, but he still raised an eyebrow and said to the doctor. "It is illogical to judge a person's merit based on a surname he doesn't have control, besides, if we follow this line of thinking, we must reason that Ensign Hatfield must be guarded from you at all time, in case you want to carry on the family feud."

"Now you pointy-eared..." Spock tuned out what the good doctor said, glad that the captain smiled and said, "Gentlemen, this 'is not a place for bickering. Now that the debriefing is finished, dismiss."

Others left, but Spock left behind with Jim, who commented, ”It reminds me of the Darkness of the Heart.”

“What is it?” Spock asked.

”It's a twentieth century Earth literature. Not very good, I'm afraid, but my high school teacher insisted -- required reading.” Jim paused, then continued. ”It's quite disturbing to see a Starfleet personnel who abandons his duty and principle.”

“I agree.”

They walked shoulder to shoulder along the corridor, and Spock felt Jim brush his hand lightly. When they ate their meal together, Spock noticed that Jim seemed to initiate more physical contact with him than before. He was curious, but as he felt comfortable with this, he said nothing. It must be a temporary response after the distress of captivity, and he didn't want to deny any comfort Jim might need from him.

He admitted to an irrational sense of loss when the captain retired early, claiming that he was tired after this day's adventure. Spock went to his laboratory to continue his experiment, drafting the next paper to be submitted to academic journals, and went over the ship's paperwork before returning to his room for the rest of the night.

Jim had expected the world to turn upside down after his self-revelation, but he discovered that things were mostly the same. Enterprise continued on her five-year mission, and the crew kept on with their lives, fulfilling their duties diligently. He didn't moon about his first officer on the bridge, and he didn't have the impulse to burst into ancient love songs. He didn't want to produce a bouquet and deliver it to Spock's room (Spock would deemed it illogical , anyway). As he thought more about the matter, he realized that he had been in love with Spock long before, and he was so used to it that it had become like breathing to him.

While Jim was content with his current relationship with Spock, he saw no reason that he should be shy from stealing a touch from his unsuspected friend once in awhile, as long as it was still within the range what propriety demanded. He brushed by Spock's shoulder, leaning a bit closer to Spock when they were talking, and touched a bit more. He felt that he gained too much excitement from that, but he couldn't convince himself to quit. It was his secret source of pleasure, and Jim was a sensual hedonist who liked to indulge himself sometimes. It was almost enough to endure his nightmares alone.

In the coming week, Jim was sent on a diplomatic mission to negotiate a territorial dispute between two planets, which claimed a century of grievance with each other. Jim had to walk delicately between the lines to make both sides and the Federation happy. Jim knew that it was useless to complain about orders, but he was a soldier, not a diplomat. The lack of sleep didn't help either. After an agreement was finally reached, Jim was happy that he wouldn't have to sit down to any more meetings.

Then the Enterprise received a distress signal from a space station and was fought with the Klingons in a ship to ship battle. Adrenaline filled his blood vessels when he commanded the ship against the enemy, and the Klingons' war ship was destroyed. At the end of the day, Jim felt that he was exhausted from the hours of excitement and tension. He was about to collapse on his bed.

Spock came into his quarters after he had taken a shower.

”Welcome, my friend. What brings you here?” Jim smiled at him warmly.

”You haven't slept well.” Spock was direct as usual, Jim thought.

”Yes,” Jim admitted. It was no use to lie to Spock, as he had likely prepared an arsenal of evidence and a speech of compelling logic. Better surrender gracefully when he still could.

”You can come to me for help. I was unaware that your situation has not improved.”

Was there a sense of hurt and confusion in Spock's voice, or was it just Jim's imagination? ”It's not your fault,” Jim said quickly to assure him. ”I guess it's the stress. We were really busy this week.”

“Indeed.”

Jim noticed that Spock had a book in his hand and asked about it. Spock said, ”It is a collection of pre-Surak Vulcan war poems. It is a gift for you.”

Jim was touched that Spock had remembered their conversation. He accepted the book and found that it was beautifully bound. When he opened it, he was amazed by the intricate calligraphy and detailed illustrations. Jim wondered how hard it was for Spock to acquire it,  looked directly at Spock and said sincerely, ”Thank you, Spock. I'll treasure it.” He carefully put the book by the others he owned.

”Do you want me to proceed?” Spock asked.

”Sure, go ahead.” Jim settled himself into a comfortable position - it had become a familiar ritual to them - and got ready for it. Spock sat by and gently melded with Jim. Jim vaguely heard Spock wishing him a good night's sleep, but he soon drifted into the comfortable nothingness. When Jim woke up next morning, he felt energetic and refreshed.

Jim maintained his good mood throughout the day, as everything moved smoothly. Then he heard about Uhura and Spock's upcoming performance and went for a front row seat. Uhura's voice was heavenly, and the song was about a long-lost love and hope for the future.

Jim wasn't a music connoisseur, but he loved how well Spock's lyre complemented Uhura's singing.  When the performance ended, Jim was still so concentrated that he only remembered to clap his hands after several seconds, which started the audience's heartfelt applause.

Afterwards, Jim came up to praise Spock and Uhura about their performance, soon joined by an adoring crowd. He and Spock took their evening meal together. Jim said, ”Mr. Spock, you're a man of many talents.”

“I received lyre lessons when I was a child on Vulcan.”

“I don't have words to describe how beautiful the music was, but it was excellent.”

“Thank you. Would you care to learn more about Vulcan music?”

“Sure.”

Spock lectured him about Vulcan music tradition, and Jim listened with interest. Who would have imagined that Spock had so much interest in music? He told Spock this and Spock answered, ”There is a pattern in the arrangement of music to achieve harmony...”

“And it's totally logical.”

“Yes,” Spock nodded.

”I tend to think of music as an expression of emotion. I listened to a lot of old country songs when I was in Iowa.”

Their discussion went on, and Jim decided he would check the data bank later to look up songs that Spock recommended.

Jim went to sleep this night with a lighthearted mood, but he was still startled from his sleep later. After several failed attempts to return to sleep, Jim gave up, ordered the lights up, and read from Spock's gift.

The next morning Jim discussed the poems with Spock over breakfast, and Spock seemed to be pleasantly surprised. They discussed their favourite poems in the collection, the imagery and the rhythm. It was always so good to talk to Spock, Jim thought, as Spock was one of the most intelligent and knowledgeable people he had ever known. It was challenging to keep up with him intellectually, but it was also fulfilling. Then they returned to their stations on the bridge. Jim looked forward to today as a promising one.

Spock  was  inclined to spend more time with Jim, and found it logical, as their time together was highly enjoyable. It was logical to maximize one's pleasure with the most efficient use of time in human contact. However, he was surprised how much he looked forward to  meld with Jim. Since his childhood, he had received rigorous training to develop the mental discipline required for a Vulcan. Human minds were thought to be illogical and chaotic; they presented a potential danger to Vulcans without proper training in prolonged exposure. His father earned a great deal of respect and quite a reputation on Vulcan, as he was still highly functional while in a long-term relationship with his human wife. However,  Jim's mind was fascinating. It was vibrant and bright, and his thought were concrete and coherent.

Moreover, Spock always sensed the full trust and the warm affection in Jim's welcoming mind. With his dual heritage, Spock always found that it was difficult for him to blend in, no matter on Vulcan or on Earth. However, here on Enterprise he found a human who made him feel that he truly belonged on the ship. Jim was angry about snide remarks against Spock's heritage and always encouraged him to find his own way.

It was a pleasure to dwell in Jim's mind, and know that he was needed, especially when he aided Jim's sleep. In fact, he enjoyed  taking care of Jim. As a human, Jim was fiercely independent and projected himself as strong and solid, making people forget about his human fragility. It felt good that Jim was under his protection.

He felt uneasy as the captain got physically closer while withholding himself from their metal contact. These mixed signals confused Spock. Jim was still warm and friendly, so Spock crossed out the possibility of a unknown fallout. His research on human psychology did not yield satisfying results, and the person he would typically consult for a better understanding of human mind was the source of his confusion.

There could be a simple reason. It was likely that the medication finally worked, and the captain needed some well-deserved privacy, but Spock wasn't convinced. He was irrationally distracted by the captain's behaviour.

Two weeks later the Enterprise had a bad day. During a mission gone wrong, there were some casualties, all young and promising crewmembers. Spock found Jim in his room writing condolence letters to the families of the dead. Jim frowned, his usual glow and smile absent, and Spock hurt for Jim - every crew member’s death broke a piece of Jim. He waited for Jim to finish and Jim stood up, his forehead touching Spock's. After 2.13 minutes Jim raised his head and said, ”Thank you.”

“I grieve with thee.”

“I know you do. All of them were so bright, with promising futures before them.”

“Your guilt is illogical.”

“I seem to trouble you a lot.”

“You are never a burden to me. You are my friend, my brother.”

Jim's eyes were indecipherable when he said, ”You're a brother to me too.” He lowered his voice. ”Stay and talk with me?”

“Of course.”

They talked until Jim closed his eyes. Spock put him to bed and was about to leave, when he heard a sharp gasping sound from Jim. Jim's eyes were still closing, but he sweated heavily, his face trembling. It had to be another nightmare. Without thinking, Spock initiated a meld.

He saw that Jim was in the sick bay talking with McCoy.

”Jim, he's blind.”

Immediately he was struck by Jim's feelings: anger/fear/grief/loss/helplessness. Regulations flashed across Jim's mind, and Spock realized that Jim was desperate to find anything that could let Spock stay. There was a loop of words: _I can't lose him!_ Spock immediately knew what Jim was remembering: Deneva.

Jim's strong regard for him ignited a strange feeling he couldn't identify. However, he had a mission here, so he gently led Jim away from the nightmare and put him in a calm dream. He ended the meld, satisfied to see the smile on Jim's sleeping face, and returned to his room to meditate on his strange feelings.

Spock knew that Jim cared about him deeply, just like he cared for Jim. Spock did what he had to do when he abducted his former commander to the forbidden planet, risking everything -- including his relationship with Jim. He hurt Jim's feeling,  because he wanted to spare Jim from the consequences of his actions. Jim, always so gracious and generous, forgave him and he was extremely thankful. But there was something in Jim's mind he couldn't  comprehend, which was beautiful and called for him tonight.

Although Spock couldn't name it, he craved for it. It was so soft, new and fragile in Jim. In their mind melded an image came to Spock: a proud flower red like flame, petals soft and inviting, striking yet still young and vulnerable. He wanted to protect it, to let it grow and flourish. It would require a gentle hand, but it was worth it - Jim's well being was the most important thing to him.

It was once unthinkable to him that a human's life was more important than that of a dying species, but after Horta, which he was ready kill  to protect Jim, he now knew differently. There was only one Jim in this universe, after all.

Spock decided to cease this line of thinking and get ready to sleep. Tomorrow he would need to deal with other pressing matters and ship's business. It was more useful to rest than dwell on Jim.

Jim was surprised that he slept well the previous night, the first time in two months and had a beautiful dream, with images of crystallized rotating mathematical formulas and scientific concepts. Perhaps he was recovering and no longer needed Spock as his sleeping aid. It might be a temporary effect, but Jim liked to hope for the best. It served him well all his life, from an Iowa farm boy to the youngest Starfleet captain, and he saw no reason to give up now.  Jim idly mused that it would be one less obstacle if he pursued Spock, as they would be on more even footing, and dismissed the thought.

He got into a shower, refreshed and ready to face any challenges the galaxy decided to throw at him.The day went smoothly, and Jim was in a good mood. When he went off shift, he ate his meal with Bones, who had complained about the lack of time they spent together recently and expressed concern about him, but Jim successfully placated him.

Jim returned to his quarters to read this week's assigned book for the ship's book club, which was an obscure novel about a young man running off to join a circus. He could get the impulse to escape from everything and set out for a new life, but the writer's execution unfortunately didn't do justice to the interesting premise. He finished it anyway to prepare for the coming discussion with other members on the forum. That night he slept well, so he must be getting better.

When he spent time with Spock the next day, he found that Spock was different. Sometimes he turned and saw that Spock was studying him, as if he were a new scientific mystery. The intensity extended to their conversation.  Jim had no idea why, but he liked the attention and encouraged it. They played another long game of chess, and Spock won this time. That night, Jim had a peaceful dream. He couldn't stop his stupid grin on the way to the bridge the next morning.

Jim beamed down to the surface of Regulus VII to meet the council of the planet's native people to establish a trade relationship.They had a feline appearance, with cat ears and tail, and known for their medicine. While the negotiations were ongoing, the meeting room exploded, and some of the council members died.

Jim and his team were accused of being behind the attack and were surrounded by the guards. Jim decided to stay as a prisoner in exchange for his crew's safety and freedom, despite his team's loud protest. He had to admit to a sense of deja vu when he was thrown into a small and dimly lit cell. The people there didn't abuse him, which he took to be a good sign and tried to make himself comfortable. Sufficient to say, he didn't sleep well.

When Jim heard that his nightmares became proof of his crime in the local court, for a moment he wanted to laugh at the absurdity. At the end he was offered a chance to walk unarmed into the jungle and stay there for three days to prove his innocence. Jim agreed to it under gunpoint, but he still remembered the previous warning  that the jungle was a death trap. _There is no way it'll go well_ , Jim thought.

Trapped in the jungle, Jim ran for his life from a large native predator which looked like a bigger and meaner cousin of a saber tooth tiger. Finally he collapsed on the ground, waited for the inevitable end, only to hear the welcomed sound of a phaser. He turned to the sound, and saw Spock's stoic face.

Later he was told that Spock worked non-stop to prove his innocence and saved him by proving that a council member was bought by the Klingons to sabotage the mission and  frame the Federation.

Jim returned to the ship, and Bones fussed over him. After Jim was checked out, he  went to Spock and thanked him for saving him and rescuing the mission.

Spock only replied, ”I am glad for your safe return, Captain.” But Jim smiled because of Spock's relief and concern in his voice. When he told Spock about the proof of his crime, he expected an impartial commentary on the planet's illogical legal system, but Spock got visually tense.

"It is a sign of great injustice, to sentence someone to death based on something one cannot control.”  Jim could hear the  controlled anger and felt warm about his friend's concern.

"Sometimes people make wrong decision when they are scared and stressed." Jim replied. "And sometimes they cling to old tradition because they give them a sense of security. The Federations will send people here and contact with other worlds may push them to a better place to make decisions."

He patted Spock's shoulder and asked lightly, "Meal together and a game of chess after our shift? I really need to even my score."

"I am available. But "evening the score", as you have put it, will be unlikely to happen." There is a teasing glint in Spock's eyes. Jim was glad that Spock could relax now.

When the second night came, Jim woke again from nightmares and  couldn't sleep. He swallowed the pills Bones gave to him, lay back, ordered the computer to raise lights and started reading. He felt the irony as he picked up  ”Do Androids Dream of Electric Sleep”. Jim had to admit  that he was still messed up as he stayed awake until the next morning. Humans could go to space, Jim thought bitterly, but they were still slaves to their bodies.

Spock noticed his insomnia, as  before, and went straight to him the following night, offering help with his sincere eyes. Jim could never refuse this. He let his mind open to Spock, just as he had done every other time, with extra caution to keep his actual feelings toward Spock behind a shield. Spock could see them if he wanted, but Jim trusted that Spock was too decent to invade his shield. Spock didn't behave differently toward him the next day, so Jim knew Spock was still ignorant about his romantic feelings toward him. Good.

As Spock initiated the mind meld with Jim, he could feel that Jim hid something from him. Jim's mind was still welcoming and warm, but Spock missed the spark of the unnamed feeling he had detected before. He could find it if he was determined to, but he wouldn't betray Jim's trust, no matter how he greatly desired to behold this flaming blossom in Jim's mind. Why did Jim hide it from him? Spock felt a bit hurt, but he suppressed the irrational feeling. It was within Jim's right to do that.

The following days were busy for Spock. Several of his research projects reached a breakthrough. The Enterprise had another mission, and it had to fend off an attack en course. There were reports to make, papers to write and other affairs, but he still kept a close watch on Jim's status. It was his duty to protect the captain, as Jim wasn't exactly one with a great self-preservation instinct. This was demonstrated by the way he ended up in the sick bay again.

Jim did a daring sacrifice to save a local leader's daughter from a huge predator , which earned him success in the mission but also several injuries. McCoy gave him a long lecture and called him a lot of names like ”a reckless idiot” while Jim placated him and escaped to his room as soon as possible.

Spock didn't blame him for his eagerness to leave. However, Spock followed Jim to remind him to take better care of himself. Jim laughed and teased that he was a mother hen, but Spock could see that Jim didn't actually mind his words. They had a long, enjoyable discussion. Spock was about to excuse himself earlier than usual to let Jim rest, but he detected poorly concealed exhaustion in Jim, which could only be attributed to his injuries. Spock asked, ”Did you sleep well?”

“We seem to repeat this conversation a lot,” Jim said, but there was no rejection, just a sense of tiredness. Spock did not like to hear it in Jim's voice.

”I can teach you to meditate, to gain control over your body and mind, but it can be difficult,” Spock offered.

”I'll never be able to sit still long enough for it. You know me well enough to know that,” Jim said. ”I guess a light mind meld'll be good enough for me, and it's more fun that way.”

“A mind meld is not for recreational purpose,” Spock said automatically. Then he added, ”Do you wish me to initiate one tonight?”

“Sure, if you don't mind my mind being a mess.”

“You are never a mess,” Spock informed him.

”Only you'll say this of me, my friend. All right. Let's begin.”

Spock did as what he was told. He instilled a sense of safety and calm in Jim's mind, pushing away the pain and tension, and led Jim to sleep. He remained after Jim was asleep,  because he wanted to make sure that everything was alright.

He saw the burning flower bud again, which invited him to approach it. It was brighter and bigger than before, and Spock nourished it with his affection and admiration before he left. Spock experienced total relaxation that night, with the image of the blossoming flower in his dreams.

After a week, Enterprise received an order to head to a planet called Wei VI. for another first contact mission. When Jim and Spock beamed down to a rocky desert, littered with shrubs with small purple flowers and long thin white cactuses, they were ambushed right away. Among a frenzy of phaser shot, Jim shouted on the com when he opened fire to covered his people, “Get to safety, all of you!”  Then his head hurt and lost consciousness.

When Jim woke up, he was dragged by guards along a smelly corridor and thrown into a small damp cell by the guards. _At least my people are safe_ , Jim thought. When the guard locked the door and left, Jim immediately tried to exploit any weakness in the structure for escape, and tested the strength of the metal bars. When he couldn't find anything, Jim decided to take a break to wait for the enemy's reaction.

A guard escorted him out of the cell and handled him roughly. They entered a richly decorated hall with tapestries hanging on the wall. Small statues were placed here and there. A stout human woman with firm brown eyes sat straight in a wooden antique chair.

”I'm surprised that you're well, captain,” she said.

”No thanks to you. Why don't you just let me go?”

She smiled. “You really have a sense of humour.”

“What do you want from Starfleet?”

“We are only concerned about your current situation because it's  most unusual.”

“It seems a strange way to express concern over my welfare with kidnapping,” Jim said dryly.

”We're all busy people. I'm sorry that we couldn't arrange for an appointment in advance.”

“I'm a busy person too.”

“We think you should stay so we can do a medical examination on you. We don't expect you to be still functional, but it'll provide insight into further developments of our technology.”

“I already have a brilliant doctor.”

“I'm afraid that you don't have the luxury to refuse us as our prisoner. You're the only specimen who survived our machine and remained functional for any length of time. We must correct it.”

“So you have kidnapped me before.”

The leader smiled and told her goon, ”Bring him to the laboratory.” Two guards came to hold Jim despite his struggling.

A guard ran into the room from outside, shouting, ”We've been discovered!”

The leader frowned. ”Security!”

Jim heard sounds of explosions and phaser fire, followed by the welcoming sight of a fierce Spock firing his phaser and the entry of the ship's security team. The captors were soon taken down. Back on the Enterprise, Jim was escorted by the medical orderlies to the medical bay and only released after a long and tedious check up. Jim met up with Spock later, when Spock finished interrogating the prisoners and briefed him about the situation.

The group of captors were a band of killers for hire, who developed a torture machine that conditioned people to be unable to fall asleep, leading to their deaths from a seemingly natural condition. Jim was one of the first to experience the machine, because he was a high-profile target. Spock reported that the science department was working tirelessly with the medical staff to study the machine to reverse the effect on its victims. They were sure that they could help Jim to be free from his machine induced insomnia in several days. Spock ended his report by saying, ”Captain, I must ask you to reprimand me.”

“Why? You saved the day again, and handled things pretty well.”

“You should reprimand me for my inability to deduce the conditions behind your insomnia.”

“How could you have deduced that? Bones didn't figure it out, either. Reprimands are reserved for insubordination and neglect of regulations, not a lack of ESP, unless you forgot to tell me about that.”

“Vulcans could not foresee the future, Captain.”

“Since that's the case, don't beat yourself up.” Jim made a gesture in the air to mark the end of the conversation. ”I look forward to receiving your official report. Now let's grab something to eat.”

“Very well, Jim,” Spock said reluctantly.

After several days Spock reported that the departments succeeded in working out how to reverse the effect of the machine. Jim underwent the process and still couldn't believe that he would be healed. Closing his eyes, he let his people work their scientific magic on him. That night he went to bed with a sense of unease, but the next morning he was surprised to find he'd actually slept well the previous night. When he was able to stay asleep for several nights in a row, he dared to believe that he was over the insomnia and was relieved. He finally got over everything

However, Jim noticed that there was a subtle change in Spock's attitude. He seemed more closed off and reluctant to see him, and Jim had no idea why. He confronted Spock, but despite the Vulcan's reputation for honesty, Spock was a master of distraction and misdirection. Jim was frustrated, but he kept reaching for Spock.

Then another order came and Jim had to put aside his personal concerns to fulfil the mission.

The planet they beamed down to was called Xi Maenali IV. It had a ring of islands, and most of the surface was covered by an ocean. The trees were huge, and Jim kept a safe distance from them, recalling the previous reports of carnivorous and fast-reacting plants. When they walked to the meeting room, the native people cheerfully talked about animals which sounded like sabretooth tigers and Tyrannous Rex. Jim decided he wouldn't go for a walk outside at night.

The people had fin-like structures and wet scales on their bodies,  an evolutionary adaptation to an island life. They also had tentacular limbs. Jim's mission was to persuade them to agree to a treaty with the Federation because of a common local plant with high medical value .

Jim was surprised when the representatives explained that they needed to join a test of personal integrity.  Jim and Spock had to stay in a room in a temple for three days and nights. Contact with other people was forbidden, but there would be deliveries of food and water. Jim agreed to it to respect their customs, and also a good chance to corner Spock. Jim and Spock were led to a bath to clean themselves, then locked inside a small room in the temple.

”All right. Let's talk,” Jim said.

Guilt was not logical, but Spock's human half thought differently about it. He wondered why he had not figured out the underlying reason behind Jim's insomnia. It should have been obvious, as he had touched Jim's mind so many times. He wondered if it was because a part of his mind clung to Jim's warmth and acceptance , blinding him to the problem, leading to Jim's prolonged suffering. Spock had not adequately fulfilled his duty as the First Officer and Jim's friend. He did not deserve Jim. Jim would forgive him, but he needed some time alone to regain control. He was not looking forward to be locked up with Jim for three days.

”I assume that you want to talk about the next three days' arrangement,” Spock replied to Jim's statement.

”You know what I want to talk about, and it's not that. You've been avoiding me lately. Why?”

Spock could hear the hurt and confusion in Jim's voice, and pondered how to answer the question. ”I have paperwork which accumulated during the missions and my research.”

“It's more than that. I can feel that you're actively avoiding me.” Jim was, as usual, perceptive.

”It is a misunderstanding. I have not tried to avoid you recently.”

Jim didn't seem to believe him, but he sighed. ”I hope not. Otherwise these three days will be awkward.” He changed the topic. ”There's only one bed in this room.”

“We can take turns sleeping on it.”

“No way am I letting you sleep on the ground. It'll be cold and uncomfortable. The bed is big enough for two. We can share it,” Jim said.

Spock looked at Jim's stubborn face and decided not to argue with him. ”Very well, Jim.”

“So what should we do now? I wish we could have brought our chess set,” Spock had to agree, though he didn't speak his thought aloud.

”I hope we can finish the mission soon, and I miss my ship.”

“Lt. Commander Scott is a competent man.”

Spock was relieved that the conversation turned to a safer topic and they discussed their strategy for the mission, the ship's business and other topics until their meal. When they were about to go to bed, Jim said, ”I just miss our melds.”

“Are you unwell again?”

“No, I've slept well recently, but I really miss how... comfortable it feels.” He paused, then asked, ”Can we meld our minds again?”

“I do not wish to intrude on your privacy, now that you are free from nightmares and there are no longer health reasons to justify it.”

“Spock, we practically live in each other's pockets, and I trust you. It'll be fun, at least.”

Spock agreed to it under Jim's bright gaze. He would not admit that he was pleased by Jim's request. They settled into the familiar position and Spock initiated the mind meld with the formulaic words.

Jim's mind was bright like a flame, with a warmth that reminded Spock of the lovely summers on Earth. He was glad to see that the initially ruined part of the labyrinth wall was newly repaired, now white and new and whole. The plants were vibrant, and he could hear Jim's mental laughter. He let Jim feel his regard for him and there was a responding warmth. For a period of time they stayed together and enjoyed the closeness until Spock felt that Jim was drifting and withdrew from his mind.

Jim fell into sleep, while Spock remained awake. He was tempted to go deeper into Jim's mind, to see how the flaming flower grew. However, he resisted the temptation, controlled his heart and breathing rates, and joined Jim in sleep. The warm welcome in Jim’s mind soothed Spock's anxiety.

The next day Jim and Spock had breakfast, a spicy vegetable dish and local tea. It was sweet and smelled of some kind of flowers.

”I really don't like spicy food, and I'm getting fed up with diplomatic missions. Mind you, I love the contact with new life and civilizations, but I'm a soldier, not a diplomat,” Jim said. He looked surprised when he finished. He continued, ”I'm wasn't going to say that and...I guess I'm drugged. It must be the tea.”

Spock was concerned and checked up the tea with his tricorder. The result confirmed Jim's theory.

”I now realize why they trap us here. Truth serum. Forced imprisonment. It's really ingenious. Still really annoying,” Jim said. ”It compels people to speak, so I can't even stop. Fortunately it doesn't work on you.”

Spock silently agreed.

”Not that I don't want to know more about your feelings. Far from it. I know you have a lot feeling that you restrain because of your Vulcan heritage, but I don't want you to be embarrassed.”

“Thank you for your consideration, Jim.” Spock was touched by Jim's concern about him.

”You won't thank me if you really knew what I think about you,” Jim spoke dryly. He sighed. ”It's really embarrassing.”

“What do you think of me?”

“Can I refuse to answer? No? You know that you're the best First Officer and Science Officer in Starfleet. You're my best friend. I trust you with my everything, and...” Jim covered his mouth with his hand, but the words slipped out. ”I'm in love with you.”

“Excuse me, Jim?” Spock didn't believe his ears.

”I said I love you. I have romantic feelings for you, an embarrassingly huge crush. Is that clear enough for you?”

“I have never considered that a possibility.”

“I know. I don't expect you to feel the same way. Luck always works against us. Don't worry. I will be professional, and after this we'll never talk about it again. I hope this won't make you feel awkward. Still friends?”

“Our friendship and my regard for you remain unaffected.”

“Good. I think the drug's effect is wearing off. Tomorrow I won't drink any tea.”

“Very wise, Jim.”

The mission was a success. The people signed a treaty, and Jim and Spock returned to the Enterprise.

Spock kept thinking about Jim's declaration. Jim said he had romantic feeling about Spock. What did this mean to him and to them? Spock didn't have much experience with romance. He didn't want this to change anything between them. Jim was his best friend. They went through disasters and victory, with their bond challenged by many obstacles. It always survived a challenge. Romantic feelings were illogical. However, he cared about Jim too much to hurt his feelings, so he would need to let Jim down gently so they could return to being friends.

That night, he entered Jim's quarters and found Jim sleeping. When he touched Jim's mind again, he had a momentary thought that he could cause Jim to forget his feelings. It would be immoral but efficient. Spock was horrified to sense a ripple of hurt in Jim's mind, and the plant began to wilt. Immediately, he stopped his line of thinking and focused on the plant. It did not die, but the leaves yellowed, and it did not appear as healthy as before. He soothed Jim's pain when he withdrew from Jim's mind and let him sleep, before returning to his quarters to ponder the near-crime he was about to commit.

He should not tamper with Jim's mind, Spock thought. He keep thinking about what had happened and reached a horrifying conclusion. The flower which he loved so much was Jim's romantic feelings for Spock, and Spock unknowingly nurtured it.

He felt pain about the flower's death. It had brought him pleasure and warmth, even when he did not know its significance. Jim told him his feeling, but what about himself? Did he return them? After all, it was unfair to enjoy basking in the warmth without giving back.

Spock decided to research human romantic love, so as to make an informed decision.

Life on Enterprise was busy as usual, with another first contact planetside mission coming. Spock, Jim and the rest of the team beamed down, basking in the hot, dry wind. There were a lot of trees. Jim said this reminded him of the ancient Athen on Earth, as the people kept dragging them in discussions about philosophy and sports. People told them that a public sports event was coming and invited them to join it. Jim did, out of respect for local customs. Spock declined as he would pose an unfair advantage due to his Vulcan strength.

When the event started, Spock stood among the crowd to watch his captain. Then he noticed that all athletes were male and fully naked.

Spock understood that the nudity was customary, but he was still glad that he did not need to participate. He watched with a distant interest until he saw the captain among the participants, stretching to prepare for the event.

Spock had seen the captain in various state of undress before, but did not often see his captain fully naked, and there were no urgent affairs to distract Spock. The captain did not have the most athletic body, strictly speaking, compared with the other athletes, but he was...beautiful. When the captain threw a spear, his tanned and taut skin stretched, His lean muscles, his firm thighs and calves tensed, and he shone in the strong sunlight, but it was his confident eyes and smile that made him irresistible.

Spock observed the way the captain moved, mesmerized and barely noticed when the fully clothed captain approached him, victorious. Spock couldn't help a smile in his eyes at the captain's excitement.

The locals were impressed by the captain’s respect of their culture and athletic ability , and the mission was a success,

Back on the Enterprise, Spock started reading ”The Ultimate Love: a brief history of human romance” as a part of his research when a quotation caught his eyes. ”Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”

At that moment Spock realized that If that was indeed the definition for romantic love, he did wish for a romantic commitment with Jim. At some point in their mission, their friendship grew into something more. The fire he saw in the captain was so attractive because it reflected his own in his mind. Now that he had his answer, he went straight to the captain to solve his problem.

He didn't expect Jim to argue with him.

”Are you sure? I hate to play the devil's advocate, but you seem to make your decision awfully quickly,” Jim said. ”It's alright if you don't feel the same. I assure you that there's no hurt feelings on my side.”

“I am sure. Why are you unhappy about it?”

“Do you say that just to make me happy?”

“No.”

Jim hesitated for a while. Then he said, ”It sounds too good to be true.”

“Why?”

“I don't know. I just have a gut feeling you don't really want this.”

Spock guiltily thought that it must be because of his attempt to make Jim forget that night. ”Do you trust me?”

“That's a low blow. Of course I trust you,” Jim sighed. ”Maybe we can take it slow, go on a few dates first, to test the water.”

“Why do you seem to be scared?”

“Because it concerns you, and your happiness is essential to mine.”

“As is yours for mine.”

Jim seemed surprised. Then he smiled, ”Is that true?”

“Yes, Jim,” Spock said sincerely.

”This is...great,” Jim said. ”But I'm serious about taking things slow. I really want this to work.”

“All right,” Spock agreed. According to his research, some notions of human dating behaviour seemed extreme and illogical. He would be glad that Jim was taking the lead so he could observe them and made plans.

”I'm glad we've reached a gentlemen's agreement.”

“So do I, Jim.”

“Would you mind a kiss?”

“No, I would not.”

A month later, there was an on-board party on the Enterprise. People laughed, chattered, and danced. Uhura danced with Scotty, whispering something to his ears and got him blushing and laughing. Sulu talked with his friend energetically, almost shaking his cup of wine in his hand when he gestured to make a point. Bones told an ensign something that made her smile, poking at his chest. Jim sat by Spock at a corner in the rec room and looked into his eyes, and was filled with joy. He put a hand on Spock's, and Spock smiled at him. He looked forward to tomorrow, to another day on the Enterprise, with Spock and him facing challenges together.

  
  


**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Found Poem: Dream. Sleep. Repeat](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11878641) by [snowynight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowynight/pseuds/snowynight)




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